Today the Huffington Post ran an article by Charlotte Hilton Andersen titled, Ten Things Not To Say To a Woman Who's Had a Miscarriage. Which reminded me of this article we give out to bereaved parents this time of year, with a different image we give it out for the spring holidays as well. With Christmas a week away it seems good to bring it here. Hoping for all a gentelness in these days....
Adapted from a National Public Radio interview with Kenneth J. Doka, Ph.D., Professor of Gerontology at the Graduate School of the College of New Rochelle and Senior Consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America.
A question commonly asked by bereaved parents at this time of year is, "How can I get through the holidays?" There is no single answer. One important guiding principle is: do what is comfortable for you….
What is comfortable? Whatever seems to best meet your needs at the time. And although it is important to make a plan and think ahead how to handle the holidays, it is also OK not to know until you get there, especially if this is the first holiday season since the death of your child. Make a plan, but be open to changing it if it seems necessary. This is the key to coping with the holidays: find the way that is right for you.
"When we are already experiencing the great stress of bereavement, the additional strains of the holidays can create unbearable pressure," commented Jack Gordon, HFA President.
Some people find it helpful to be with family and friends, emphasizing the familiar. Others may wish to avoid old sights and sounds, perhaps even taking a trip. Others will find new ways to acknowledge the season.
Whatever your response, remember these points:
1) Plan for the approaching holidays. Be aware that this might be a difficult time for you. It's not uncommon to feel out of sorts with the celebratory tone of the season. The additional stress may affect you emotionally, cognitively, and physically; this is a normal reaction. It is important to be prepared for these feelings. Part of being prepared is being open to changing your plan if need be to best care for yourself during the season.
2) Recognize that holidays won't be as you dreamed they’d be. There is a good possibility that doing things as you have in the past will be painful and disappointing to you. Doing things a bit differently can acknowledge the importance of what isn’t while preserving continuity with the past. Different menus, changing decorations, attending a different service, or even celebrating in a different location may provide that slight but significant shift. However, be aware that your feelings will still be there. If you decide on a change, be careful not to isolate yourself.
3) Include your child who has died in your holiday plans. Acknowledging this relationship in tangible and visible ways can be important. If it feels right to you, you might: give gifts to a child in need in your child’s name, select and hang a special new ornament on your tree just for your child, place a rose or other meaningful flower or decoration on your holiday table as a reminder, make a donation in memory of your child. Continuing your bonds with your child at this time of year can be a poignant, but important, part of your grief’s journey.
4) The holidays may affect other family members. Talk over your plans. Respect their choices and needs, remember we all grieve differently; compromise if necessary. Everyone (including yourself) should participate in ways that are comfortable.
5) Avoid additional stress. Decide what you really want to do, and what can be avoided. Perhaps cards don't need to be sent, or shopping can be done by phone or catalog.
6) Do the right thing: not what others think is right, but what you need and want to do.
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